As a coach, don’t end the silence until the coachee lets go. Bear with me, because this story starts with Disneyland. If a child walks up to any of the costumed characters and goes for a hug, the characters of course will hug back. But they won’t let go. They don’t do a polite “two pat on the back” move or shifts their weight or glance at the next kid waiting to pounce.
They hold. Because this is not their moment. It’s the child’s moment. They hold until the child decides to stop the hug and loosens the grip. Until the child signals they’ve had enough.
This is an actual golden rule for Disney cast members (the ones in character costumes): “never end a hug until the kid lets go”. In this case, Disney got it right. They got that it’s the kid who should decide when their magical moment ends. Not the schedule or the queue or the adult in the costume.
And reflecting on this, I realised that this also happens, or should happen, when coaching.
The moment coaches are most tempted to speak
There is at least one specific moment in almost every deep coaching session that I have come to recognise, respect and to be honest, enjoy every single time.
The coachee goes quiet.
Not fidgety-uncomfortable quiet. Not “I am thinking what to answer” quiet. No. A different kind. It’s the quiet that follows a question that unlocked or uncovered or opened something important, something significant. Something just moved inside them. A perspective shifted. A story they’d been telling themselves developed a crack. A new possibility they hadn’t considered before just walked through the proverbial door.
This kind of quiet is the aha-moment, the insight unfolding and taking root in real time. And I believe it is one of the most valuable things that can happen in a coaching session. It is also the exact moment when there’s a high risk that coaches or leaders will feel the urge to speak. To affirm it or name it. To ask a follow-up question. To do something, because the silence or too much silence feels like a gap that needs filling.
I know because when I started out with coaching, I did the same and had the same urge. I get it. And silence always has its dose of uncomfortable-ness. Even more so for coaches that care, that want to be useful and add value.
But the crazy part in that belief is that this silence is actually the “fullest” moment in the coaching session.
Hold the silence. Hold the space. Hold the “hug”
When I see that shift happen in a coachee – and you learn the signs to spot it over time – my job in that moment changes. My only job then and there si to hold the space and “not end the hug”.
Not even affirming noises. No “mmm, interseting”. No “so what does that bring up for you?”. I just observe, become comfortable with the silence and wait. To trust that what is happening in that coachee’s mind right now is more valuable than anything I could possibly say. The coachee needs time to be with the insight. To let it rearrange something inside them.
It doesn’t belong toe me. It belongs entirely to them. So they need to end the silence, to “end the hug”.
The moment they’re ready, they’ll come back on their own. They’ll look up and seek you out or “I never saw things that way” or “that makes so many other things make sense now” or just “wow”.
That’s when you speak.
Whether you are a coach or leader, next time someone in your care goes quiet in that way, resist the urge to fill the silence. Don’t fill it. Don’t rush them back to the surface.
Hold the “silence hug”. Wait until they are ready and decide to let go.
The most important work is already happening.
Looking to spark change in your product journey? Here’s how I can support you:
- Product Management & Leadership Coaching – I help leaders grow their confidence, lead despite uncertainty, focus on delivering value and create real impact for their teams, users and company.
- Outcome Thinking & OKRs – Backed by hands-on experience in both using and rolling out OKRs across multiple teams and companies, I help you roll out, improve or fix your OKRs or OKR system and make changes and improvements that stick beyond the start of the cycle.
- Facilitation With a Twist – I create, facilitate and moderate workshops that energize the room and foster stronger engagement and learning – all through my crazy, fun and playful approach.
- GenAI for Product Teams – Practical, hands-on workshops that give teams and leaders the skills to harness AI and GenAI for their everyday goals and way of working, but also the time to reflect as a group on the impact that this AI wave brings.